TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
