I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
