If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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