Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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