I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
