I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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