Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
