I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
