I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
