I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
