I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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