Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
