her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
