well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
