you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
