Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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