Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
