dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
