Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
