Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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