I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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