mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize