who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Randomize
