Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
