gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
