you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
