Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
