I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just had sex on a roof
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your penis caused this!
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