There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
