I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize