Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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