i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
