I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize