so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
