I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
