I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
