I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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