He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
