I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
