Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
