come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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