Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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