So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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