I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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