An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
