hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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