There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize