Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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