woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
