So drunk its hurt
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i love accidental penises.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
