I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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