I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
