i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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