Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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