Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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