8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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