is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
