i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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