Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
