Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
