My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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