Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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